Even If I Tried (part III)

It Happened Unexpectedly

His name was Jason (not really, but out of respect for him, I’ll refer to him as Jason.) I had known Jason for a few years, since his family had moved into my town when we were in the 7th grade. I also knew his two older siblings very well, and we all worked together. Jason and I had never been friends, in fact, we never really go along. But now we worked together, so we would just get a long. He had made some jokes about how he could never be gay, and I thought they were funny, so I figured I should tell him that I’m gay.

That night he asked me for a ride home from work, I said yes and began planning how I should tell him. I waited for all the other employees to leave the parking lot, like I did every night. I started the very short drive to his house, not sure of if I would actually do it.

“Jason, I’m not really into girls.”

“Sometimes I find guys attractive. I mean, I’m not Bi or anything, I just think it happens sometimes.”

“No, I mean I’m gay, I like guys.”

“That’s ok.”

I dropped him off, I felt kind of uncomfortable, but at least I had that off my chest. I got home, took a shower, and began my pre-bedtime rituals. My phone buzzed. It was Jason. “So, I’ve been thinking,” the text read, “I think I may be Bi, like I’m attracted to both girls and guys.” At this point, I was skeptical of Bisexual people, from every story I ever heard, they would end up either gay or straight, but I decided to be supportive.

“Well, whatever you are, I’m here for you.”

The next day was Sunday. I wouldn’t usually take my phone to church, but I did, just in case Jason texted me. He did.

“Landon, I think I’m gay.”

Wow, that was fast. I was happy, I don’t know why, I guess I felt like there was someone else out there for me. I didn’t feel so alone.

Jason and I talked a lot for the next two weeks. When we walked past each other in the hall, we’d just smile. I was the only person who knew that he was gay. Finally, we decided to go on a date, nothing fancy, just dinner and a movie. I lied to my mom. Sorry if you’re reading this Mom. I told her I had to to to pick up some decorations for the Girl’s Choice dance. We had decided to go in the middle of the week, and to a town about 40 minutes away. That way we wouldn’t see anyone we knew.

I figured I would pay, because I made more money than him. First we went Five Guys for dinner. Then we saw Pitch Perfect. I didn’t pay attention to the movie, I really just wanted to hold his hand. It was about 45 minutes into the movie when I our hands touched. We sat there for a couple of minutes, then his had started to slide down. So in return, I slid mine up. We did an intricate dance until our hands met palm-to-palm, and our fingers intertwined. This was the first time I’d ever truly held hands with anyone before, and it was amazing.

We weren’t anything official yet, but I knew I really liked him. So a couple of days later I texted him.

“20 seconds of insane courage.” “Jason, I really like you, and I don’t really know if you feel the same way, but I just want to be honest.”

He felt the same way, but he said he wasn’t quite ready to be in a relationship yet. I totally understood, so we decided to just go naturally. But the next day he texted me during my first class, and basically said he did want to be my boyfriend. I was ecstatic!

It only lasted about a week and a half. I’m not going to go into the rest of that story, but it didn’t end well. But something worse happened next… Rumors of my sexuality began to spread across the school…

 

pride

The Illusion is Shattered

I’m still not sure who the first person to tell was, but I don’t care. At first I was scared and incredibly nervous. But then I didn’t care. The only thing I cared about was my parents finding out. I was more scared of that than anything else. On the bright side, I got a text from a friend asking if it was true, and when I said yes, she said she still loved me and her and her friends were there if I needed any thing.

And then nothing happened. No on treated me different, no one really even said anything. And life was ok for a while… Until December. I decided it was time to tell my parents. But first, here’s a little background.

My mom once told my brother and me that “if either of you are gay, don’t tell us.” And on another occasion, more recently, “Landon, not be gay.” My dad and brothers would make gay jokes, but that’s about it.

I wrote a letter, and left it in my parents car so they would read it when they went on their weekly Friday night date. I worked until 1 that night, and I didn’t wake them up when I got home. I woke up early the next morning and went to breakfast with my friends. I didn’t even know if I was going to go home at all that day. I didn’t know how they were going to react. Then I got a text from my mom saying: “You need to come home so your father and I can talk to you.” My heart sank, I felt like throwing up. I had to help out my drama teacher with some things and I told her that, but she made me come home.

When I got there she was in the bathroom, and my dad hadn’t gotten home yet. I sat there, in front of the Christmas tree, crying. My mom came out of the bathroom and gave me a hug. She said it was all going to be ok and that dad was almost home. When he got home, the three of us sat down and talked. There was lots of crying, and lots of “coming to Jesus.” It wasn’t really negative, but I didn’t feel any better after talking. They said things like, “If you choose this life, you’ll be alone forever.”

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3 thoughts on “Even If I Tried (part III)

  1. I just acknowledged that I’m gay and came out. Both in February. And I’m 34. And was married. I’m happy that you realized this at a younger age than I did.

    Like

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